A Fair Trade
by Azure Zangetsu
Summary: Pip decided to help Seras with her daily training. It turned into a nightmare for him when Seras accidentally does something that we've all thought about and makes a trade with Pip to avoid having her brains turned into wallpaper. Oneshot, please review.


Pip Bernadotte: a Frenchman, and natural-born lover, and an aspiring playboy. The Frenchman always regarded himself as an expert gunman and more than once, a sincere person. Not only did he look at all women with eyes that scanned for outer beauty, he had always seen women for what they were on the inside. Good women were worth a relationship, those who had the least bit of class and good inside of them. Others, they were one-night-stands for him, and he could always rise early enough to get his clothes on and get out the door before they could get the lamp to connect with the back of his head.

But right now, Pip was sitting atop the Hellsing mansion with a chocolate-flavored cigarette between two of his fingers, leaning forward as he gazed upon _his_ jewel with his one remaining eye. He grinned as he body moved quickly, and he got to see her panties when she roundhouse kicked the target dummy. Pip had no idea how it had come down to the basics, but he'd have to woo her one way or another. She was just such a woman! He couldn't stop watching her move so swiftly.

Even better than that, she had some big guns too! Not only did he mean that in his usual perverted way, but he could see the two huge Harakonen Cannons on the ground not far from where she was ripping apart the steel dummies. Pip grinned and took a long drag on his cigarette. Yeah, she was just one of those women. She got under his skin a lot, and he had always feigned trying to steal a kiss, but Pip at least had enough class to wait. He wasn't the kind to just go up to a woman and kiss her if he wanted to, not unless the feeling for a kiss was mutual. He blew smoke out of his nose in two grey columns and sighed thoughtfully.

Maybe she was the woman for him? Maybe everything he had learned about women from his father and grandfather had brought him to this moment, something like…destiny? Pip clenched his teeth and shook the thought form his head. There wasn't a thing such as destiny, not on this earth at least. Yes, everyone had free will, so destinies could change at a moment's notice. Pip tilted his head to the side and Seras did another high kick. Damn, she was driving him insane. A gust of wind blew and Pip watched the trees sway in the wind, leaves blowing into the air and flying all over the place. It was so peaceful here, and then Pip spied his long braid of hair flailing lightly in the wind.

The only thing Pip could say he was more proud of that leading the Wild Geese, was that he had a braid of natural red hair that hung down to his lower back, something that had taken him most of his life to grow and groom constantly. Many times he'd received less than respectable comments about his braid of hair, and more than once someone had ended up in a dumpster with a bullet hole in their foot and a bloody nose. Pip grinned. Those memories always started with a woman complimenting him on his hair, leading further into the night where Pip would return to the buzzed woman's apartment and they would spend the entire night in her bed. But as mentioned before, Pip could always rise early enough to throw on his clothes and leave before the lamp hit him on the way out.

"Ah, mignonette, if you were only a little more willing," Pip murmured as Seras stopped her daily training to rest for a while. Pip narrowed his gaze and saw a shadow creeping up behind her. It may have been in deep shade of the trees, but the vampire count's shadow was always blacker than a moonless midnight and he always managed to creep up on Seras without her knowing it. The vampire emerged from the ground behind his fledgling and then scared the unliving life out of her. She shrieked with surprise and then scrambled up to her feet. Pip was amused, but jealous. She had always treated her master with such regard, and always treated Pip with such a demeaning tone.

Pip watched Alucard leave and then decided that it was time to take his action with Seras. He had a plan that was sure not to fail this time! Pip secured the rope to the roof and then dropped it off the roof. He swung himself down, gloves almost smoking as he reached the ground and let go of the rope. He took the cigarette out of his mouth and flicked it to the ground, stomping it out as he walked over to the target of his efforts, Seras Victoria. The vampire was still a bit angry from what her unliving master had done a few moments earlier. Pip tipped his hat up and raised his eyebrows as she noticed his approach.

"What is it this time Pip?" she asked. Pip shrugged.

"I was simply thinking whether or not I should offer to help you train. Kicking apart test dummies doesn't seem like much fun. I thought you'd like some company."

"I'm fine Pip, I don't need any company for training." Pip took out his pistol and took aim at Seras's head. It wouldn't kill her, not even if he put the gun to her head, but it was going to hurt like a bitch if he hit her!

"Pip! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?!"

"Run mignonette!" Pip warned as he squeezed the trigger of his gun. Seras leapt aside, avoiding the bullet by less than an inch. Pip took aim again, but this time Seras was already moving. He fired twice, almost catching Seras in the thigh, but she managed to get out of the way with a dive and then a roll. Pip was impressed that she was this quick. She really had been training hard these past few weeks, but she had never been fired upon before. This wasn't standard practice, but Pip found that one only truly learns when they're put into real action. You can't simulate the feeling of being shot at, or the feeling of dying at any moment.

The vampire picked up a target dummy and Pip immediately ran to the left, emptying what was left of his cartridge at Seras. He managed to clip her elbow and the missed him with the dummy, only knowing that as it crashed to the ground behind him. Pip rolled to a stop and fed his pistol another clip, slamming it into place and taking aim again. But Seras had done something unexpected. She was running at him, a very angry look in her eyes. Pip took aim and fired three rounds before Seras reached him. She dodged them all and sent a flying kick at him. Pip laid down flat and the vampire missed him.

Of course, Pip got a very nice view of her panties, but he didn't tell her. Why add fuel to a fire that could kill you as soon as it touched you? Pip found that any one of these attacks had the ability to rip him in half, crush his bones, and much worse. Fortunately, years of battle had taught him that dodging and shooting were supposed to be one fluid motion, so he had a leg up on Seras. He unloaded the rest of his clip, getting Seras one time in the thigh. Seras quickly healed the wound, but she only became faster. Pip evaded her bestial tackle and loaded his gun again. He did not however manage to dodge the clawed hand that lashed out to grab his neck, not completely anyway.

Pip, his actual body, made it out of the way just fine. In fact, he had lined up the barrel of his pistol for another shot. But before he could fire, he heard a rather loud _rip_ and whipped his head around to see what had happened. Had she gotten his shirt sleeve? Pip's eyes went wide and his jaw dropped to the ground when he saw what had ripped. It was his braid of hair! His wonderful braid of natural red hair, the thing he was most proud of in this world, was in Seras' clawed hand, hanging lifelessly from her closed fist. Pip was speechless, and he almost didn't believe it.

But the reality of the situation hit him when Seras' angry gaze turned into one of horror and she looked him in the eyes. The wind blew and all else was silent. Pip couldn't hardly believe it. The mignonette…she had ripped his braid of hair clean off…

"Pip…I didn't mean to, believe me!" she tried to explain. Pip immediately pressed the muzzle of his pistol to her temple and leaned in close.

"Let's see how much of your brains I can turn into wallpaper with six bullets, eh? Let's see how much hair of yours I can pull off with my bare hands," he growled menacingly. Seras' eyes well up with tears, but she didn't move one inch.

"Please…Pip, I didn't mean to. I'm sorry Pip," she said. Pip pulled back the hammer of his pistol and it made a familiar _click_ to let him know that it was ready to blow the vampire's brains out. He breathed heavily for a moment before pulling the trigger. A single shot rang out and Pip remained where he was. Seras on the other hand, had her eyes squeezed shut and was trembling like she had been struck by a bolt of lightning. Pip sighed and slowly holstered his weapon.

"I couldn't shoot you mignonette. You are not ready to face death," Pip said, casting his gaze downward. Seras opened her eyes and stared at the Frenchman. He had spared her the trouble of so much pain…in a gesture of chivalry? Pip, the perverted French mercenary that Seras had come to know would grab her ass and try to steal a kiss from her at any moment, was being chivalrous? She didn't know if she was looking at the same man anymore, not even taking into account that she had ripped off fifteen years of work from his body. She felt bad for him as he turned to walk away.

"Pip, please wait. I didn't mean to." The mercenary didn't reply. "Pip! Listen to me!" Seras shouted, grabbing his wrist and pulling him around. Pip's gaze fell upon her eyes, still filled with tears of regret. He could barley hold her stare. It was so disheartening to see a woman cry, especially this one. He cared for her a lot, and he didn't want to hurt her. But she had just done something he would have killed anyone else for doing, without hesitation.

"Mignonette, please…let me go," Pip said. Seras growled and suddenly grabbed Pip by the belt and pulled his body to hers, pressing her lips against his. Pip's eyes went as wide as dinner plates and Seras pushed her tongue into his mouth. So surprised was Pip that he didn't do anything at all but stare at her. Seras' eyes looked so strange now, and she finally pulled back. A red blush spread all across her face and she cast her gaze downward. Pip decided that he could get a little more out of this situation.

"You have taken something from me mignonette, so I must take something from you. An eye for an eye, but not literally. I don't want to be blind," he said cheekily. Seras stepped back, letting go of his wrist.

"But…I…Pip…you can't be serious…" Seras eeked out. The Frenchman lowered his hand to his pistol.

"We could always try to see how far your brains go with a point blank shot. I'm still angry, but your way is a lot less painful for you," he said. Seras groaned and stepped forward again, grabbing Pip by the neck.

"Fine, but if _anyone_ finds out, especially _master_, you'll wake up with my guns in your face, got it?" Pip grinned.

"That sounds nice," he replied. Seras' face turned even redder.

"I didn't mean it like tha- mph!" Pip cut her off with another kiss. Alright, so he had lost his braid for one night with Seras. It was more than a fair trade in his eye.

Meanwhile, Alucard sat atop the Hellsing Manor with a pair of binoculars to his eyes and a wide, evil grin on his face.

"Fifty pounds says he outlasts her," Alucard said. Walter, who was standing next to him, looked down and narrowed his gaze.

"One hundred says you're wrong."


End file.
